DankShort: Worst Art #5-1

Welcome back to the second installment of my top 10 worst art of Magic. These pieces are so bad that they are not in any specific order. Let’s finish off strong with the last five of the worst pieces of art!

  1. Goblin Digging Team

It’s important to note that the artist’s obvious intention was to have classic fantasy goblins being put to work. It is the details that make this card art bad. The giant lima bean on the rightmost goblin’s head. The funnel on the middle goblin’s head. And, lastly, the heart-shape tattoo displayed prominently on the butt of the goblin to the right. Mix that with these goblins also making me embarrassed to take my shirt off, and this art is bad. Not the worst, but bad.

 

 

  1. Giant Strength

Ah yes, prominently displayed is the face of a creature that only a mother could love. The essence of a giant’s strength is completely lost. With nothing to give any sort of scale to the size of the giant, he looks like a troll that’s been disproportionately shrunk and then had his buttocks moved to where his chin should be. I don’t blame him for the scowl on his face, I’d be angry too to be born like that.

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  1. Reverse Polarity

Look, I enjoy swinging my morningstar around as much as the next guy, but I don’t go around advertising it on a card. I’d like to think that the artist had models acting this motion out for days on end while the artist captured the essence. Seriously, either the guy on the right rolled a 1 or the guy on the left rolled a 20. Probably both. There are plenty of ways to demonstrate the reversal of polarity in art, but two beefcakes swinging their morningstars at each other is definitely not the route to go.

 

  1. Animate Wall

For me, the only thing that makes this art truly bad is the Mario-esque qualities radiating from the wall itself. You might as well have had an Italian plumber in a red hat instead of the screaming girl (next alter idea?). The wall is really only a danger to that girl if she’s 2 inches in front of it. With the comically small arms this wall has in his now-animated form, what’s he going to do? Also, why is there a wall in the middle of a seeming abyss? Is the building he was a part of okay? Did he walk away from the building with his little toes? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, animated wall?

 

  1. Ekundu Cyclops

This had to have been drawn by Jonah Hill’s character in Superbad. I feel dirty just having this in my search history, let alone looking back and forth between it and this article. Behind (maybe?) the cyclops sits a busty… thing… while she’s riding one of the most phallic plants ever to have been conjured. The phallus’ two little friends also sit behind her. The cyclops itself is flat out gross due to the hyper realism of his body contrasted with the cartoonish nature of his face and surroundings. Like most of the pieces throughout my list, this card leaves me with just one word: “Why?

 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my ramblings. Please comment or contact me if I missed a card you think has bad art, if you know the stories behind some of these pieces, or if you disagree with my view! I would love to hear from you.

While not a mix of sugar, spice, and everything nice, Loren wishes to share his love of Magic with everyone. Loren plays Modern (not well) and EDH (not well). He lives in northern Arizona with his girlfriend and vault of artist-signed cards.

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